Suburban Mom Smack-Down

Apparently even here -- in the land of granola, Volvos, and language immersion classes for tots -- plenty of road rage stews.

Yesterday evening around 6:00, Charlie and I were on our way home, driving east on Division through River Forest. There is a 7-11 on the south side of the street just west of the Division and Harlem intersection. Charlie and I were waiting there at a red light. Patrons of 7-11 can exit the parking lot via one of at least two exits -- one of them exits onto Division, just west of the Harlem intersection, right where Charlie and I are waiting. An SUV comes raring into view on my right, and puts its left blinker on.

So it's rush hour, and this lady is trying to turn left through four lanes of traffic onto a busy street (instead of using the other exit, turning right, and driving an extra block and a half). Apparently I was blocking about half of that exit. There was a line of cars in the left turn lane, so although I felt moderately bad about halfway blocking the exit, there were a ton of cars in addition to mine blocking her ill-advised left turn.

SUV Lady suddenly steps on the gas and lurches nearly into my lane. She was inches away from hitting me – so I honked and made a what-are-you-doing gesture. Then I moved forward to make it even more clear that there was no room for her and her SUV to go. But SUV Lady didn't like that, and this is where it gets scary.

I was listening to NPR and watching the light, and next thing I know she had left her car and is banging on my window. Then she OPENS MY CAR DOOR on the passenger side to scream at me ---- something like "Haven't you ever heard of not blocking a driveway? You're a wench!" I couldn't believe this crazy lady had actually opened the door of my car and was in my face screaming at me. I looked at her and yelled "Lady, get … out … of … my … car." She turned and walked away, and in an act of non-aggressive aggression, left my passenger door wide open. So as the light turned green, I unbuckled my seat belt, leaned my pregnant self over the steering column, shut the door, and wondered what the hell just happened.

What if crazy SUV Lady tried to beat me up and hurt No. 2? What if she hurt Charlie? River Forest is about the last place I would ever expect to be physically intruded upon like that. Especially by a well-dressed, white, 30-something suburban mom. You just never know.

Lesson #1: don't make what-the-f gestures, even if you think you are about to get hit. Lesson 2: don't partially block 7-11 driveways, even if it is rush hour and there is no way that anybody could possibly make that left turn. Let someone else make that point. Lesson #3: lock your car doors, even when you are in the bastion of upper-middle-class-leafy-suburbdom. You never know whether the suburban mom next to you may go bat-shit crazy.

In retrospect, the whole scene must have looked pretty hilarious to the drivers behind me. "Hey, look – two suburban moms in SUVs are about to throw down!" But at the time it was very scary, and all I could think about was Charlie and No. 2.